Manchester United 3-2 Tottenham: Oreo cookie flavor themed player ratings

Tottenham Hotspur traveled to Old Trafford on Saturday hoping to break the WLWL pattern they have suffered over the past few months. They didn’t get it – stupid Cristiano Ronaldo scored a stupid hat-trick and stupid United fought their way to a stupid 3-2 win. I hated.

In truth, it was kind of a weird match. Tottenham lost the match, but didn’t play so badly. In fact, they topped United and had a higher xG. I’d go so far as to say that while there weren’t any standout individual performances, there weren’t any truly awful ones either. The loss hurts, doubly so when you think about who facilitated that loss, but there’s a lot of heartening things you can take from it even if you admit the first four frames look pretty grim. (For starters – we were close to getting a result at Old Trafford. Remember when it was basically a pipe dream?)

So let’s talk about good things today. In my book, the Oreo cookie ranks up there with the hamburger, hot dog, barbecue, and wrapped bacon. [thing] as one of America’s finest contributions to the culinary world. It’s a perfect cookie – two crispy chocolate wafers with a layer of cream sandwiched between them, great on their own, transcendent with a glass of milk. For a long time, that’s all we had: just the basic Oreo, and it was good. Then they invented the Double Stuf, which kind of took the Oreo and had us arguing over which one was better.

Today, marketers have figured out that we can do all kinds of fun things with flavors with this basic cookie! Let’s do this! At last count, there were over 80 distinct varieties of Oreo cookies on the market. It’s a broad category, and there’s no way to adequately cover all the different options available (that’s what comments are for!), but it also makes it fun to discuss in an article about player ratings on a ridiculous Tottenham Hotspur blog.

Here are your Oreo cookie flavor themed Tottenham Hotspur player ratings.

5 stars: Chocolate Hazelnut


Imagine, if you will, a double Oreo, but instead of regular cream, you have Nutella. Sounds pretty good, right? It is because it is. They are AMAZING. You don’t get the gooey, creamy texture of Nutella, but the flavor is spot on and they go great with chocolate wafers. It’s no better than dunking an Oreo in a jar of Nutella, but then again, what is it? I live in fear that this is a limited edition and will fade over time.

No Tottenham player was as good.

4.9 stars: Original/Double Stuf


There will be arguments that these should be separated into their own categories, but this is more of a bigoted argument. Otherwise, it is practically impossible to improve the original (except: see above).

No Tottenham player was that good either.

4 stars: Mint


Controversial? Well, I don’t think so. But seriously, Mint Oreos are delicious and the best of common flavors and all year round. The mint and chocolate are a classic pairing, and the creme is just a little sweeter than some other flavors, so you get a satisfying Oreo “gush” when you bite into it. Yum.

Dejan Kulusevski (Community — 3.5): Probably Spurs’ best attacking player in this game. Did a ton of work and gave Telles a lot to think about during the game. Also earned Spurs a handball penalty.

Pierre-Emile Hojbjerg (Community — 3.5): Solid. I worked really hard on both sides of the ball, making tackles in midfield and passing the ball quickly in attack.

3.5 stars: Red Velvet Cake


I don’t know how they did it, but they managed to make a red Oreo cookie that tastes pretty close to real red velvet cake. Cream cheese custard has the right flavor, cookies have the right color and solid flavor. Even though the texture isn’t there and it gives your tongue a funky color, these are pretty damn solid cookies. They are limited edition though, so grab them when you can find them.

Eric Dier (Community — 3.0): Unlucky not to score when his header was cleared off the line. A pretty solid defensive outing overall. Could he have closed Ronaldo a little more on the first goal? Probably. Would that have mattered? I sincerely doubt it. It was a world.

3 stars: Gold


I am given to understand that there are people who LOVE them. Generic knockoffs of Oreo have had the “vanilla” version of sandwich cookies for decades, so it’s odd that Oreo takes so long to go all-in, but I have to say I’m not a fan. These don’t have much flavor at all – just “plain”. They do, however, provide a platform for enhanced flavors (eg: lemon, which is not good but still slightly better than this one). Golden Oreos are the Wonder Bread of Oreos – people love them for some reason, but I can’t figure out why,

Hugo Lloris (Community — 3.0): Some criticize Hugo for Ronaldo’s first goal, which I find crazy. I don’t think Hugo can do anything for any of them, and made some good saves otherwise.

Cuti Romero (Community — 3.0): I just got pushed around in the box for United’s third goal. Some great defensive moments, and a few others that exposed him.

Ben Davies (Community — 3.0): IDK, was he okay? He had the ball in the net but was well offside and cromulait in defense.

Son Heung-Min (Community — 2.5): I had plenty of space during the break, but what was going on with his studs? Slipped several times and his attacks ran out of steam. I thought he also did his hammy at some point. Passed decently well, decision making still a problem even though I thought he had a little more bullshit than he deserved. His big chance in the second half was probably a lot harder than it looked.

Harry Kane (Community—3.0): Is probably the best penalty taker in world football. United did a real number on him, however – he was pretty quiet in this game and the Spurs midfielder couldn’t find him with any consistency.

Antonio Conte (Community — 3.0): Look, that was a good performance. Spurs dominated everyone on United except CR7, and like sometimes he just Is stuff like that. I would have liked to see the submarines made earlier; none of them had any real impact.

2.5 stars: Bay


In theory, it should be good! They are not good. There’s something about berry flavors and chocolate Oreo cookie that just don’t go together well. What should taste like a chocolate strawberry milkshake ends up being cloying and oddly sour. I feel the same way with golden lemon Oreos and limited edition stuff like Limeade – Oreo should just skip the fruit, unfortunately.

Matt Doherty (Community — 3.0): It was the game where the Dohertissance came crashing down to earth. Did his part up front but was terrorized by Sancho defensively and was lost on United’s third.

Rodrigo Bentancur (Community — 3.0): It was the first time we saw Lolo play a bad game, so it’s a bit hard to compare, but he really struggled with Fred’s technical ability and Pogba’s physicality.

Sergio Reguilon (Community — 3.0): Look, it’s not his best game by far, but he nailed the cross into the box which Slabhead turned into his own net, and that should be credited.

2 stars: Birthday cake


I’ve never been someone who appreciates the “flavor” of a grocery store bakery sheet cake, which is essentially what “birthday cake” flavor is. Why eat it when you can easily make a 1000% better cake? So yeah, sorry, but I’m not okay with taking a bad flavor and making it worse by putting it in cookie form. Even if you add colorful cream glitter.

No Tottenham player was so bad.

1 star: Peeps


I’m one of those sick people whose favorite Easter candy is Marshmallow Peeps. Yes I am serious and no you cannot dissuade me from my opinion. But as much as I like Peeps, I do NOT like Peeps in cookie form. They taste pretty similar, so I think it’s a texture issue as much as anything – the Peeps are soft and squishy, ​​and my mouth can’t reconcile the taste of the squishy Peeps with the crunch and pop of an Oreo. It’s a cognitive dissonance that I just can’t stand. And for the rest of you who hate Peeps, well, you already put that flavor here anyway.

No Tottenham Hotspur player was as bad as Peep Oreos.

0 stars: Oreo Thins


OK, so I know there are people who don’t like the cream in Oreos and just eat the cookies (these are the same people who just take half a cookie and put the other half back in the wrapper leaving a box full of sad half-Oreos; that works if you live with a creme lover who bakes personalized “quadruple-stuf” cookies but otherwise it’s monstrous behavior). For these people, Nabisco should just sell the cookies without the cream, not… anything. These are thin cookies with an even thinner layer of cream between them. Why would I buy this? It absolutely does not satisfy anyone’s desires – neither cookie lovers, nor cream lovers, nor regular Oreo lovers, nor guilty weight loss enthusiasts. They are a cookie with no market and they have no reason to exist.

No Tottenham Hotspur player was as bad as Oreo Thins.

Tom Carroll Memorial Unrated


Lucas Moura, Harry Winks, Steven Bergwijn

Erik Lamela Memorial Shithouse Award


Cuti Romero: presented without comment.

Photo by James Gill – Danehouse/Getty Images

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